This ↓
is a tree in the middle of a crippling ice storm that happened here in January of 2007.
Big whoop, right?
I couldn’t agree more. Except for the fact that we country folks look mighty safe and amazing and awesome and unbelievably welcoming in the middle of that
and this ↓
Fuck, it was everywhere.
We do a thing we call ‘getting ready to hunker down’ when even a few snowflakes are predicted.
- Extra water? Check.
- Mass quantities of food that doesn’t have to be cooked? Check.
- Wood lined up to feed the wood stove? Check.
- Coolers aligned on the back deck to fill with things that must be kept cold? Check.
- Main water trough for horses full? Check.
- Mass quantities of horse, cat and dog food on hand? Check.
Our only interaction with other living beings is our dogs, cats and horses. The horse’s fur gets so thick that I find myself saying things along the lines of,
I’m tellin’ ya Hellbilly, if this wasn’t one of our own horses I would kill it, skin it, and make a kick ass coat out of it’s fur. Fuck! This shit is l.u.s.h! Have you felt it!
Hell, even if the power goes out our wood stove keeps us warm, we get all smackdown with a bunch of candles and simply enjoy the ride.
Do you know how many times we’ve had our friends say,
Wow! You two really live out there!
or
I just can’t imagine how you two do it all the way out there!
It’s as if we live in a little town called Schizophrenic on the map and they can’t imagine how we function from such a distant and unreachable place.
Out there.
They don’t seem to notice we can get to most of their houses in 20 minutes.
Bastards. All twelve of ‘em. Yeah, we have more than twelve friends, but that’s how many of them who are always claiming we live so out there managed to make their way to our house in 2007 when the ice storm hit, they lost power, and figured out their lives sucked a big ol’ greasy brat without it.
At first I went all Suzy fuckin’ homemaker on everybody’s ass to avoid going insane. I let the steam of the massive and delicious meals I made three times a day pump into my face as I stirred and stirred and stirred. I cleaned every room in the house daily, feeling pointed glory over disturbing especially clingy dust devils from underneath our furniture. I organized sleeping quarters, smoking areas, chore schedules, and turned our garage into a cozy little den of guitar playing.
Around day three I realized there were two people in our house that had not been among the original twelve. One I knew. One I did not.
The first one? I quickly ascertained I could not find him anywhere on our property except if there was a meal being served. Ruling with a then nearly completely insane and murderous iron fist, I said to him in front of everyone at dinner,
So, what are you doing here at my table?
Him:
Eatin’.
Me:
Yeah, I can see that. But you’re not here any other time of the day, so I’m assuming you have a home with power and can just eat there. You know, where there is actual electricity flowing into your home, unlike these other people.
Him:
Yeah, I guess I could.
Me:
Tell me how this works for ya. You can come here three times a day to eat if you a) bring some of your own food, b) help cook all of the food at every meal, and c) clean up for everyone after every meal.
We never saw him again.
Even more disturbing was the washed out blond that had suddenly appeared and was attached to one of our male friends as if she was a barnacle and had chosen him as her own person whale. He had mumbled something about her being some chick he was trying to fuck who had no power and blahblahmumbleblah.
Whatever.
What got to me was the day I found her in our living room spinning around in circles as she sang and vacuumed the same little portion of carpeting over and over and over.
I shot a look and was asked to,
C’mere!
by our male friend.
He informed me she had come into our home bearing mass quantities of methamphetamine that she was quickly running out of and would have to soon leave or she would go bat shit crazy on us.
Then she informed us she wanted to be clean. Whatever, right? I mean, when I was in active addiction the worst thing I can imagine is being stuck in the woods in the middle of an ice storm with a house full of addicts who are in recovery.
She encouraged us to help her tear her purse, clothing, car, everything she owned apart until we found her stash in the door panel of her car and quickly dumped it. She cried. She told us how grateful she was. She wanted to be clean like us.
Until she realized what she’d done and made up some lame excuse about having to work and was gone in about two minutes flat.
Lately Hellbilly has been saying he would like to live in Alaska during the summer time. I’ve been saying I would like to live in Tuscon during the winter time. What? Are we going to see each other from September through November every year?
I doubt it. Knowing us we’ll be making those trips together in about 20 years.
In the meantime? When an ice storm is predicted? Please anticipate that we will be pretending we have no power by not answering our phone. Don’t worry, you will know we are OK by the texts we send saying just that. But we will stop texting on day two because it wouldn’t make sense that our cell phones were still working if we had no power.
Love this post! Maybe we’ll be neighbors one day as Captain and I have had the same “summer home in Alaska” discussion. We haven’t decided where to live during the winter…so many options.
Amazing. We’ve been discussing Alaska as a future, too. I’m drawn toward it just because I romanticize it as being a different world, cut off, quaint.
With my luck, we’d probably end up living in Anchorage.
Alaska is wonderful in the summer. Love it.
You are way nicer than you seem. If my friends brought their own washed out blondes with them, I’d punt both their asses.
And you just reminded me how much I love a good power outage. Haven’t had one in years. I love being all Little House on the Prairie, albeit in limited doses.
I want to be stuck at your house in an ice storm. I promise I’ll help cook.
don’t cell phones work by magic? i would never catch on that you were out of power.
Hmmm…Alaska = Sarah Palin, so no thanks.
As for random people at my table…every now and then, it’s ok. It’s how I ended up with an all-girl indie rock band (plus one roadie) on my floor last Friday night.
There’s always a special storm excitement when one hits. It’s rare around here but I kind of love it. No, I used to love it. Now I just feel trapped.
Those pictures are gorgeous. But this post sent me into a mild panic that I need to check my rations before winter hits. It’s my first “real winter”. Give me a break.
Yeah, you’re waaaaay too nice! Growing up here, I’m a champ in a power outage, but no one is getting in the front door unless they’re bringing supplies. Newly acquired girlfriends/boyfriends will be left on the front step.
Saw you left a comment on my blog, read all the other remarks you made about me, at my expense so to speak, so I figured I’ll click my way over here to see what all the fuss is about. Here’s my two cents.
Does your brain have any filter at all? I’m not kidding when I tell you this was almost physically painful to read. Just some constructive criticism: Your writing is almost all cliche and banal platitudes, with no guts at all, nary an original thought to be found. I pity the poor chance reader who stumbles on this hideous waste of bandwidth. As for myself, you will have guessed that I have no intention of returning.
Fortunately for your ego, you have the requisite cabal of back-slapping sycophants to breathlessly gush back unconditional praise, as another BORING anecdote burps its way to cyberspace. And reliably, the only thing worse than the post were the predictably banal comments.
I’m done with you. Peace…
MG–put the crowbar down. Slowly…slowly… Now have a nice pumpkin muffin.
Tex: You and the Captain would be fine neighbors in any state!
Angel: No doubt! I mean, I live in BFE here. But I’m thinking BFE in Alaska is a different animal entirely.
Rass: Don’t tell Hellbilly. I’m afraid I will find him missing next May and not see him again until September.
Ginny: Laura Ingalls Wilder’s house is about an hour away from here. I’ve never seen it. It might make me want to move back to the city.
Blue: You know I love you so much that you could get away with not doing shit. Until day three. Then? You bettah be talkin’ dirty to my dish washer, beeeeeeeeeeotch!
Mizz Picket: Exactly! “They’re just out there in BFE havin’ a good ol’ rustic time!”
HIF: The crow bar is to sacred of an object to raise for bitter Ask reviewees. I just walk on by. And, sounds like you had a fantastic Friday!
Gwen: There is always a ‘trapped’ thing about it for me as well. But I like it a lot actually.
DPH: Woman, I know! I am already looking forward to your blog posts from November – March!!
Lola: No doubt. I should have kicked ‘em both out. But, you know, the guy was a lot more manageable once his pussy of choice left.
Warden: I’m sure you’ve been checking back about 5 gazillion times since you left that comment. So here’s you’re response. Are you over it now? I hope so. I’m sorry you didn’t like the review you got over at Ask. Even though you cannot get a review there unless YOU request it, that still doesn’t take away from the fact that you obviously hoped it would turn out better. It didn’t. It’s over. Now go enjoy your blog, darlin’. I feel positive that’s the best thing to do.
Power outage days and nights are my favorite. Candlelight and card playing. Hmmm. Tempts me to go out cut my power line, or not pay my power bill.
Ass. You like that word, MG.
If you can go all Suzy Homemaker on everybody’s ass, can I go all gay on everybody’s ass. Can I?
NATUI: Maybe just turn off all of the lights? I mean, why risk death or bad credit when you can just pretend?
HB8: Of course you do. I mean CAN…CAN…if you really want to naughty boy.
I loved this post, especially the stranger that just showed up for meals. Reminds me of the weird impromptu get togethers we had here after the hurricane.
I am a total wuss who’s lived in coastal or near to coastal Southern California her whole life. The closest we get to snow is frost on the grass that’s burned off by about 10 a.m. I’ve seen snow but I had to drive to it – oh and I watched the movie Ice Storm (does that count?). The thought of living through a snow storm let alone an ice storm just freaks my wimp ass right the heck out. So major props from me for not only surviving ice storms but also to helping your friends, local strangers and weird hangers on to get through the tough time as well.
That’s hilarious. Sounds like something my mother would do, except she wouldn’t have had the balls to tell the stranger to contribute or get the hell out.
We were actually at home during that ice storm. Most everybody did the pull-together-and-get-through-it-as-a-community stuff. Meanwhile, two minutes after the power went out, Hedon and I packed a bag and headed south into Arkansas, where we spent the next five days in a motel, watching TV, eating pizza and occasionally calling home to see if the power was back on yet.
Laura: Welcome! Yeah, but the ice storm was temporary compared to that shit.
Lil: The movie ‘Ice Storm’ absolutly counts. I think? It was good to help, but I would have been a complete blathering idiot had we had “company” for more than a few weeks.
Stace: Woman! I know exactly what you mean. We would have been SO outta here if it hadn’t been for the horses. Next time there’s an ice storm I am going to demand a phone number out of you or Hedon so I can call and be told what it’s like hangin’ out eating pizza somewhere!
I miss hunkering down for a winter storm. A winter storm here is a bit of rain. And people do hunker down, but it just doesn’t make a bit of sense to me unless the roads are like glass and your spit freezes as soon as you walk outside.
I think Warden insulted me, too. I’m so wounded…
What did you do to the whiny wuss?