I’m probably going to end up in some very bad places for judging some of the CNN Memorial Day reporting they’ve had on this weekend. Seriously. Straight to the arm pits of hell.
But the fact that I’m going to end up in the arm pits of hell is one of the reasons that dinner here last night was so darn fun. Mostly because I am probably going to end up there with everyone who was here.
What fun!
Especially because I like everyone so much and it will be really nice to be able to continue our relationship no matter where we are.
One very small but highly important conversation I had has a child was in sixth grade with my little friend Klara. On a Monday at school she told me all about going to her grandma’s funeral over the weekend. It went something like this:
-
My grandma died
-
My mom made me wear a dress to the funeral
-
but it didn’t bother me too much because
-
I got to see my cousin Felicity from Detroit
-
and we sat on the back row and laughed hysterically the whole time
And in the middle of Klara telling me she laughed hysterically during her grandma’s funeral another little friend of ours named Maggie ran by and said,
You’re a two balled bitch!
And then our teacher Mrs. Lawson put the smackdown on us and we ended up being scattered by her to one of the following places:
- Our desk
- The hall
- The Principle’s office
And the principal made me write yet another letter of apology for:
- Being too loud
- Repeating cuss words
- Saying Mrs. Lawson didn’t look so good in her blue polyester three piece suit
- And because he thought I was laughing hysterically because Klara’s grandma died
But I didn’t mind so much because the whole thing had started because Klara was telling me about laughing hysterically at her grandma’s funeral. And that was an important conversation for me to have because sometimes I was a little too committed to
‘the rules’
which most certainly included
‘no laughing at funerals’.
Last night our dinner guests were Ben’s dad, Ben’s brother Zach, and Zach’s girlfriend Dolly.
Her name isn’t really Dolly. But it’s lots of fun to call her Dolly because it’s based in a very bad joke that is one of the other reasons I’m probably going to end up in the arm pits of hell.
And Ben’s dad received a nice hefty load of crap from all of us because he’s become quite obsessed with bird watching as of late and was thoroughly examining one of our bird feeders and said,
Ben! I really like the way that feeder holds your big nuts!
And then Dolly had a little moment of describing her own boobs which quickly digressed into making strange noises to give character to each bra she normally wears. It went something like this:
And I’ve got this one bra that kind of goes…BLAM!
And this other one goes…SCHMACK!
And that one I’ve got goes…WACHAAAA!
And the kitchen was really fun in that moment because…
- It was just Dolly I and
- I had just almost killed myself because
- one of our dogs was laying around on the floor right beside the oven and
- I tripped over it and
- I really appreciated what Dolly was doing because
- each bra really does have its own auditory essence depending on
- what it does to your boobs when you put it on
Just after dinner was over Zach started talking about:
- Heartburn
- Acid Reflux Disease
- Gallbladder removal
And I just had to tell everyone at the table about the time he was helping Ben and I remove some of the butt ugly wallpaper that was in our house when we bought it a few years back.
I was in the back yard wandering around looking for what I thought would turn out to be a dead animal.
To myself I mumbled,
Jeezah! There’s something seriously fuckin’ dead out here somewhere.
And from the little bathroom window that looks out into the back yard I heard Zach say,
It’s me.
I said,
It can’t be. I’m telling you, there’s something dead out here.
He said,
I’m in your bathroom. It’s me.
I said,
Jeezah! Oh my God! I can smell that all the way out here!
And then I went to find Ben and tell him of the amazing powers his brother has in the bathroom.
And we stood in the back yard and laughed until Zach came out of the house and started talking about:
- Heartburn
- Acid Reflux Disease
- Gallbladder removal
Dinner was kind of winding down last night and we were all talking about this volunteer stuff we like to do and Ben’s dad started getting all jacked up and off the hook and said,
The guidelines for that thing are like some kind of dysfunctional family that follows the rules just to be following the rules even if the rules don’t make any sense.
And he was very still and his eyes were really big and he was turning a little bit red.
(That way of being all jacked up and off the hook, by the way, is how I know Ben and Zach are his offspring because they look exactly like that when they are all jacked up and off the hook.)
And someone said something to him along the lines of,
Loosen the bone Wilma!
And everyone started laughing hysterically. Even Ben’s dad.
So now I’m sitting here being really glad that:
- My little friend Klara told me about laughing hysterically at her grandma’s funeral and
- our little friend Maggie would say things like, “You’re a two balled bitch!”
Because it helps me remember I can sometimes laugh hysterically when someone is getting all jacked up and off the hook even if everybody says there are ‘rules’ about those kinds of situations.
Even if it’s dysfunctional to laugh hysterically when people are being kind of serious.
And enormously dysfunctional if laughing hysterically at someone who is seriously all jacked up and off the hook because they’ve encountered something that is completely dysfunctional.
It is apparently so dysfunctional to laugh at those who are all jacked and off the hook over something dysfunctional that, when it all comes together like that, I feel like everything is almost completely perfect.
