Damn Newcomers, Defected Driving & Kickin’ Some Wayward Amish Ass

   Last night a woman I barely remembered came barreling over to me in a parking lot after a recovery meeting and said,

Hey!  Aren’t you the chick who shared last summer about having trouble not flippin’ people off while you’re driving?

I nodded yes.

She said,

Dude!  That’s hilarious!  How’s that goin’ anyway?

I thought,

Damn newcomers.  Always remembering everything.

And said,

Not so well sometimes.

And then I started trying get her off track by bringing up another topic.

But she said,

So what kind of character defect is that anyway?  You know, flippin’ people off while you’re driving.

And I thought,

Damn newcomers.

Earlier today Ben and I were in our kitchen and he was drinking iced tea while checking his email and we were talking about finding a specific type of metal for the outside of our barn addition and I mentioned that someone had told me about an Amish shop that had some.

And Ben said,

I totally kicked this Amish guy’s ass at a bar one time.

I said,

An Amish guy?  You mean Amish?  Really Amish?

He said,

Kinda,

and then started checking his email again.

I said,

Honey!  You are so totally not going to tell me you kicked some Amish guy’s ass in a bar and then not explain the entire thing.

And he got very still and made his eyes kind of big at me just like he always does when he thinks he doesn’t have time to explain things to me.

But I just kept staring at him.

So he said something along the lines of,

• He was in a bar ingesting far too much alcohol
• The Amish guy was in the same bar also ingesting far too much alcohol
• And the Amish guy had been booted out of his Amish family but still wore his beard

And then Ben stood up and kind of waddled around the kitchen while he was holding one hand under his chin to imply he had a huge Amish beard and said,

And he had his beard and was always at the local country club playing golf and smoking cigars.  And at the bar he was harrassing the shit out of this one waitress, so I just kicked his ass.

A few minutes later he looked up from the computer and said,

But I really wouldn’t kick some Amish guy’s ass today.  Even if he’d been kicked out of his family. 

I said,

Probably because you’re not going to be in a bar.

And he said,

Exactly.

This afternoon I got an email from one of my best friends, Snowflake, who also happens to own lots of rental property. 

Part of her email basically said,

• I’ve got one tenant who is such an ass hole
• And I seriously wanted to take a baseball bat to every single window on his SUV
• But then I found out the SUV belongs to his roomate
• How much would that have sucked?

And now I’m sitting here thinking,

Man!  I am so lucky!  My man kicked some wayward Amish guy’s ass and my best friend came within inches of busting the windows out of the wrong guy’s car.  How great is that for a woman who just so happens to find events exactly like those events to be extremely funny!

And I’m also wondering if I will ever take time to figure out why it is I occasionally flip people off when I’m driving.

Especially because one of the last times I did so a woman followed me and took pictures of me with her cell phone camera and I thought I was going to have to kick her ass.  And was secretly afraid she was going to kick mine.

Even though I try to think of myself as completely able to kick somebody’s ass.

And felt quite encouraged to continue thinking of myself in that light when my friends Waif and Knee Bone sent me a birthday present that is just like this:

• A little old fashioned picture
• of a little old fashioned girl
• who is wearing blue cowgirl boots
• and a little saying is written along the side that says,

Your boots may be made for walking…

but mine are in case I need to kick your ass.

But then I have to admit that the caboose on this train of thought always looks something like this:

It seems like ass kicking events are only funny to me lately if they…

• happened in the distant past or
• were only a thought process that was never acted upon
• or were for actual safety purposes such as
• when that guy who showed up out here one day when I was alone and
• claimed we had called to have our satellite installation checked and
• tried damn near everything to get me to go into our house alone with him
• and I got so pissed that I scared him away because I think he thought I might just kick his ass