I’ve once again received an email�with a subject title of ‘Re:…’
It’s one of those emails that goes along with other emails that mysteriously appear in my inbox from people I don’t know and have titles such as:
- No Subject
- Unknown Subject
- 5 minutes to reply or you’ll die
- Forward to 318 friends and get 2 billion dollars!
I think I’ve pretty well covered the fact that my most spiritually centered place when it comes to emails such as these is along the lines of:
- Read subject line
- Hit delete
- Think rather negative things about sender
But the ‘Re:’ email was from my friend Dolly. And I just have to read all emails from my friend Dolly because it is a fact that she is what would have probably happened if I had ever had a daughter and was being driven insane in a beautiful and slightly bizarre way by that daughter because she reminds me quite a lot of what I was like 20 years ago.
And Dolly’s email was one of those things where you go down a list and place an ‘X’ beside the things you have actually experienced in your lifetime.
Some of my favorites were:
- Have you ever laughed so hard that a beverage came out of your nose?
My honest answer – Why yes! And a piece of breakfast sausage too!
- Have you ever been kissed under the mistletoe?
My honest answer – Why yes! Unfortunately, I was kissed by of my drunk Great Uncles and I’ve been slightly nervous around elderly men wearing saddle shoes and polyester golf shirts ever since.
- What do you see yourself doing in 10 years?
Both of our honest answers – Flyin’ my freak flag and flyin’ it high!
But then I had to go back to the first question (Have you ever been on a blind date?) and really consider how jacked up some things are.
To be sure, having to place an ‘X’ beside the question ‘have you ever been arrested’ was much less disturbing to me than having to think about my one and only blind date:
- A close friend set me up with his ’single friend Joe from work’
- Joe called me up and we planned to meet for lunch on a Tuesday
- Joe and I sat down for lunch and talked about humdrum things before we ordered our meals
- Our meals arrived and Joe started talking about the fact that he believes the end of the world is near and he’s got some land with a house and some pigs and a big garden and some gold bullion buried by a fence post and he’s looking for a woman to come help him work the farm and help him populate the earth after the end of the world has occurred
- And, the more he talked, the faster I ate before I…
- …told him to forget he’d ever had my phone number and quickly left the restaurant and then called the guy who set me up with his ’single friend Joe from work’ to tell him he’s an ass hole
- And I later had to admit to myself that I would have left the restaurant the moment Joe started talking about the end of the world but hadn’t because I really liked my salad
And I’ve never been on another blind date since.
Yesterday Ben and I went to a birthday party for his little 4-year-old cousin.
I really like birthday parties and holidays with Ben’s family because, even if the event is for a little kid, the adults are always sitting around talking about slightly inappropriate things and laughing kind of hysterically. Especially Ben’s little grandmas.
And one of Ben’s other little cousins was going around asking all of the adults to smile so she could see who had dimples and who did not.
When she got to Ben’s dad she said,
Nope. You don’t have any dimples.
And Ben’s dad said,
Oh yes I do!
And Dolly, my ‘Re:’ email friend said,
Dimples don’t count if they’re on your butt.
And all of the slightly inappropriate adults about fell out of their chairs laughing, and Ben’s dad did as well, and Ben’s little cousin made Dolly apologize to Ben’s dad, but Dolly and everyone else was still laughing when she said she was sorry, so Ben’s little cousin was looking at all of us like,
If I laughed about somebody having dimples on his butt I would be in a lot of trouble!
And now I’m sitting here thinking,
That Joe guy I went on that blind date with was so freaking bizarre that I bet I could have told him I only ‘populate the earth’ with guys who have dimples on their butts and he would have dropped his pants right there in the restaurant.
And I’m also thinking Ben’s little grandmas would get a kick out of that idea and I should remember that whole story so I can tell them all about it next time we’re all together at some little kid’s birthday party and being slightly inappropriate and laughing kind of hysterically.
